


Ninjas in Wonderland

by DragonSorceress22



Series: The Complete Saga [9]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Drinking, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Short One Shot, Swearing, and slightly cracky, dreams are fucking weird, the author has Entirely Too Much Fun with dream sequences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 08:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3721381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonSorceress22/pseuds/DragonSorceress22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kotone dreams...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ninjas in Wonderland

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I try to push myself to write something as a birthday gift but don't have any ideas O.O

“Hello? …Is there anyone here?” Footsteps reverberated in an empty corridor as Kotone came down the stairs into the hideout and walked deeper inside. No one answered her call. “Excuse me, I think I’m supposed to be lost.”

“Supposed to be?”

Kotone jumped slightly and turned her head to look at the blue and black snake that was suddenly smiling at her from her right shoulder. “Yes…” she said slowly, watching its glassy eyes stare steadily back at her. “I’m supposed to be lost.”

“That’s a funny sort of thing to suppose.”

Her head whipped around again to her left shoulder and she saw the same snake, lazily waving its tongue from between smiling, scaly lips. She hadn’t seen it move, so for the sake of thoroughness, she checked her right shoulder again. There was nothing there.

“I know,” she said turning back again to address the snake that had vanished only to reappear coiled around her right wrist. “Would you hold still for a second? Is there anyone down here? I’m pretty sure there’s supposed to be, but I haven’t been able to find them.”

“Well…” the snake purred. “I _suppose_ you could try asking that fellow there.”

“What? Who?” Kotone turned and felt the snake vanish again, but she hardly noticed, distracted by the distant figure that seemed to be running toward her down the dark tunnel of the hallway.

“I’m late!” he cried as he approached her.

“Kabuto?”

“I’m _late!_ ” he repeated, running up beside her and jogging in place.

“So you’ve mentioned,” Kotone said flatly. “What the hell are you wearing?”

Still jogging, Kabuto looked down at his purple waistcoat and grey ruffled shirt, then made a show of straightening the already neat bow that tied back his hair. “What do you mean, ‘what am I wearing’? I have to look my best for Lord Orochimaru, and I don’t have time to be arguing fashion with _you_. I’m going to be late.”

“You know what?” Kotone said. “I think you’re already late… Yep,” she added with a decisive nod. “You definitely are. Horribly, horrendously, _unacceptably_ late.”

Kabuto stopped jogging and stared at her and she folded her arms, waiting for him to make a move. His head tilted slightly and the firelight from the wall torches flared on his glasses, blocking his eyes.

“You know… you’re right. Only one thing for it now!”

Kotone jumped slightly as Kabuto suddenly took off, sprinting down the hallway, laughing and stripping off layers of clothing as he ran and scattering them all down the hall. Kotone stared after him for a few seconds before turning sharply on her heel.

“Well, at least that’s decided,” she said to herself. “I sure as hell am _not_ going _that_ way.”

 

The door had hardly finished creaking open when a sake cup smashed into the wall next to Kotone’s head.

“Clean cup!” Tsunade cheered from her seat at a long table.

“Clean cup!” Jiraiya agreed, leaning back in his chair beside her and plucking another sake cup from the teetering tower of cups stacked up behind him. He tossed it over to Tsunade who caught it and slammed it down on the table. There were clusters of bottles scattered down the length of the table and she dragged one over and filled the cup, then downed the alcohol in one shot. Kotone ducked as Tsunade threw the empty cup across the room and started the process over again.

“Hey, watch it!” Kotone shouted over Tsunade’s drunken giggles as she filled another cup.

“No need! Just join us!” Tsunade said.

There was only one other chair at the long table, right across from Tsunade and Jiraiya. Kotone inched toward it and hesitantly sat down as another cup met its rather noisy end against the far wall.

“Hey…”

Kotone’s eyes were drawn over to Jiraiya. He was leaning over the table toward her, grinning broadly.

“You’re cute.”

An unbidden blush rose to Kotone cheeks and she stammered, “I– Uh, thank you.”

“I love you!” Jiraiya cried, leaping over the table and colliding with Kotone, toppling both of their chairs in the process and landing on top of her.

“Ah! God dammit, what the hell?!”

“No room!” Tsunade called out. She picked up Jiraiya’s overturned chair and threw it across the room. It smashed to pieces against the wall.

“She’s right!” Jiraiya said, looking down at Kotone from where he stood over her on his hands and knees. “We should get a room!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on!” Kotone yelped but Jiraiya had hopped to his feet and picked her up, whirling her around in a dizzying circle before tossing her over his shoulder and starting for the door.

“Put me _down_ , Jiraiya, this is _not_ the time for–”

She cut herself off, staring at the table. A light blue snake was rising up out of one of the alcohol bottles, wiggling straight up into the air, surrounded by little bubbles.

“Uh…”

“Now’s the time…” the snake slurred. “Now, now, now…” It hiccupped then coiled itself back down into the bottle slowly. More bubbles rose up and light snoring could be heard as they popped.

“What…?”

Tsunade suddenly snatched the bottle and poured the snake out of it. It coiled neatly onto the table, still snoring, seemingly unaware of the alcohol Tsunade was dumping over its head.

“Hold it, Jiraiya,” Tsunade said, still watching the snake. “She hasn’t even had a drink yet.” The now empty bottle rushed past them and smashed against the door. “That won’t do.”

“If you insist.”

Kotone was jostled slightly by a shrug and Jiraiya turned and set her on her feet in front of the table.

“Clean cup!”

Tsunade flung an empty cup toward Kotone but Jiraiya reached out and caught it, tapping it to the table and filling it to the brim with liquid from a clear, empty bottle. Grinning, he picked up the cup and offered it to Kotone.

Kotone stared at the cup, then up at Jiraiya. Then she took it and downed the drink in one gulp.

 

It was a door. She was certain it was, but she wasn’t sure quite how she’d ended up crouched down and staring at it, because surely it was too small for her to have noticed if she’d just been walking by. Still, she was certainly noticing it now, and she couldn’t seem to think of much else. After a few more moments of contemplation, she sat down in front of it to wait.

“What are you waiting for?”

Kotone looked up to see the blue and black snake hovering above her, its tail wrapped around the torch post above the door.

“How should I know? I’m just supposed to wait.”

“There you go supposing again. What is it with orphans and supposition, do you suppose?”

“What the hell does my being an orphan have to do with anything?”

“Oh, everything of course. What sort of parented child just walks into a snake’s lair after all?”

“The kind that didn’t walk in. The kind that got carried off.”

The snake made an impossible and admonishing clucking sound. “Now, now. Don’t be like that. It just isn’t healthy.”

“What, getting carried off by a snake? Nope, sure isn’t.”

The snake vanished and reappeared in a loose loop around her neck. “ _Denial_ ,” it whispered. “Do you like trees?”

Kotone blinked. “What?”

“Trees,” the snake repeated. “Do you like trees or skeletons?”

Kotone looked down and saw a miniature tree and a miniature skeleton flanking the tiny door in front of her.

“You’re _supposed_ to pick one,” the snake said matter-of-factly.

“Hang on… wasn’t I in a room with bottles… Lady Tsunade and Jiraiya were there–”

“You _found_ them. Now _pick_ something.”

Kotone raised an eyebrow at the snake. It had vanished and reappeared wrapped around her leg and she promptly plucked it off. “That’s enough of that, thanks.” She moved to open the door, intent on stuffing the snake through it, but it was locked, and her hand was suddenly empty anyway. With a sigh she murmured, “Okay…” and picked up the miniature tree.

 

As the door creaked slowly shut behind her, Kotone’s eyes widened, trying to take in as much of the dim, misty light as she could. She was standing in a large chamber filled with enormous stone pillars that formed a wide walkway back toward the only source of light in the room. Without much pause, she headed toward it and came upon a large chair on a raised platform circled by two enormous snakes that seemed to be made of polished steel. The light was coming from behind the elaborate structure, making the whole thing glow like hot coals. Her eyes wandered back to the chair in the center of it all and she jumped slightly, alarmed to see that it was now occupied. Orochimaru was there, watching her, but he looked mostly disinterested, and perhaps even a little bored.

“Are you lost?” he asked with an air of impatience.

Kotone stuffed her frustration down somewhere inside of her and answered, “No, I really don’t think I am.”

Yellow eyes flashed, catching a scarlet glint for just a second, and Kotone took an involuntary step back.

“Well, aren’t you brave.” His lips curled into a smile and he shifted in the chair, turning to lean back against one armrest and propping his legs on the other. From nowhere at all, he pulled a long, thin pipe and puffed thoughtfully on it for a few moments. Then bubbles began to float out of the end.

Kotone blinked several times, shook her head, then stared. No matter how she looked at it, Orochimaru was lounging in a chair smoking a pipe… with bubbles coming out of it. As she watched, the bubbles began to pop, each releasing a little puff of rainbow colored smoke.

“You seem to think I need to unwind,” Orochimaru said in that same bored tone.

Kotone opened her mouth, closed it again, then changed her mind and said, “Yeah, actually, I do.”

Orochimaru took a long draw from the pipe then leaned back and blew a stream of bubbles up into the air. “I know.”

Hands on her hips, Kotone glared up at Orochimaru and said skeptically, “Okay, what else do you know?”

“You mean, what else do you think.”

“…What?”

A number of the bubbles had started floating down instead of up and were beginning to form a line, marching along, one right after the other, in circles down the chair’s raised platform.

“I know what you think,” Orochimaru said by way of explanation, but Kotone only scoffed. The bubbles had reached the bottom of the platform and had moved on, trailing along in a chain over to Kotone. She waved them idly away, her focus still on Orochimaru.

“You _don’t_ know everything.”

He turned his head to look down at her with a sharp grin. “That’s what you think.”

“You’re not making any sense!” Kotone shouted up at him, but Orochimaru only continued to smile. Something moved in the corner of her eye and she looked around to see that all of the bubbles were gathering about her and increasing in number as they continued to pour out from the pipe held loosely between Orochimaru’s fingers. The blue and black snake appeared, circling her waist as Orochimaru began to hum a simple, patternless tune.

“You should run,” the snake said casually. It slipped up to her shoulder again and added. “But then, maybe not…”

“Yagatsu–?”

She was cut off as all of the bubbles suddenly popped, releasing an enormous rainbow cloud. Kotone gasped, accidentally filling her lungs with the smoke, and her eyes watered as she squinted up at Orochimaru again. The chair was empty. He was standing right in front of her.

“You’re not going to run,” he said, still smiling. The light blue snake appeared on Orochimaru’s shoulder with a hiccup and Orochimaru offered it the pipe. It took a long draw, held it in, and floated up and away toward the ceiling.

Kotone’s vision was blurring quickly as she coughed and gasped in the cloud of smoke. As she looked up toward where the snake disappeared, a feeling of vertigo seized her. She fell and missed the floor, rushing down into a black well, the scene above her growing tiny with distance, and she kept falling. She could still hear Orochimaru humming. Out of the darkness loomed beaten and dissected corpses and colorful test tubes that danced as she fell until a brilliant blue swirl caught her up and light filled her eyes–

 

Kotone woke with a quiet gasp and looked around frantically. She was in her room, in her bed, lying almost fully on top of Jiraiya who was still fast asleep and snoring quietly. She scoffed and rolled her eyes, smiling. Yagatsu was there too, no doubt having snuck in again for a warm place to sleep. She let the snake be and settled her head back onto Jiraiya’s chest.

“…Fucked up dream…” she muttered to herself.

Her eyes slipped closed again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! In case it wasn’t already obvious, I had Entirely Too Much Fun writing this little one-shot XD
> 
> There are two more one-shots left in this series of fics and then it is Done Forever (I am apparently feelin’ the Capitalization Of Import tonight lol). The next one is called Sex Games. I’m being totally serious. And yes, it will be slightly cracky, due to AM of the night shenanigans. Still, it’s not _entirely_ cracky, and I do mean for it to be a part of this series in all seriousness. Or, you know, _some_ seriousness. Whatever :P
> 
> Thanks for reading, ya crazy!
> 
> ~DS


End file.
